letters from a maniac

Dear future self,


By the time you get this leter, it will be 2020, and you'll be almost 27. I'd like to think you are happy, but since you never write me, I don't even know where you're living now.


Are you working at Disney, like you always wanted? Or did you decide to take a chance and open your own graphic design business? Did your little brother ever write those books and make you illustrate them for him? Were they actually good? My little brother would love to hear all about it; he likes writing, too.


I bet your house is huge. I wouldn't mind visiting sometime. Even to watch your pets or water your plants for you while you're out of town. I could babysit, you know. I've had lots of experience. How many kids do you have? Have you even had any yet? Are you even married? What's his name? Is it someone I know? I'd love to meet him, I have to warn him about you.


You probably have lots of cool cars- like an Aston Martin Vanquish, and a Corvette. You have to at least have a new Mitsubishi Eclipse Spider. You've wanted one since you were 10. Did you ever get your license? I know you were terrified of Behind the Wheel. Driving without a license isn't smart, you know.


I'm a little jealous of you, living through the end of the world like that, back in 2012. I doubt you were even worried. You're like a ninja- you're not scared of anything. Except centipees. And clowns. And evil wax statues and ventriloquist dummies. Did you ever get over all that? I hope you didn't become some paranoid freak living in an old attic somewhere in South Carolina. That would suck.


I though about looking you up on Facebook, but it doesn't seem to be able to find you. Did you change your name? Are you in the Witness Protection Program or something? What happened?!


I know I'm being nosy, but I'm very interested in your life. I promise I won't let the murderer/stalker/enemy spy know where you are. I hope you're not hiding from me. We're still friends, right? Please don't get another restraining order. It makes me feel sad when you do that.


Don't forget to write me back this time, okay? Promise? Good.


           Sincerely,
              Ireland





Dear Mr. Obama,
          What's wrong with you? Do you realize what you're doing to our country?! Sometimes, I get so mad at you that I just want to--- oh yeah. Threatening you is illegal. Dang it. That will drastically shorten this letter.....
Well, please try to stop being so stupid. Thanks.

           Sincerely,
              Ireland
PS- I am super glad so many states are going against your ridiculous healthcare bill (and that Virginia was the first to do so). Serves you right ("The American people wanted this", yeah right)






Dear school(s),
        College, you really need to get rid of those ridiculous math, history, and spanish teachers. This has gone on long enough. You suck for hiring them in the first place. But thanks for not being filled with a bunch of losers like my high school. Its much appreciated.
        High School, I barely ever have to walk your detestable halls anymore, and I have no idea whats up with you these days. But I'm sure you've done something reprehensible recently, so you suck. I hate you. And no, I won't go to your stupid prom.

                Sincerely,
                   Ireland





Dear Drumline,
        Thanks for keeping me occupied for 3 1/2 months every winter. Its awesome.
   You always bring lots of fun and inside jokes and friends and ridiculously retarded randomness, but, most annoying of all, food.
        You force us to constantly gorge ourselves on McDonald's and sodas and other convenient-but-really-bad-for-us food. Do you like to make us feel unhealthy and fat? Because you're darn good at it.
       But we always forgive you, because you entertain us so much and give us hours and hours away from homework and annoying parents. PLUS you are always willing to be used as an excuse to get out of things we don't want to do; like chores, or having a life.
       Most of all, thanks for making a special appearance at Marching Band every summer/fall. I know you prefer cold weather and being indoors, but you brave the 98* heat, surrounded by tons of obnoxious not-cool-enough-to-be-in-drumline teenagers and even Mr. Webb. You've told me how much he scares you. I'm glad you think us drumline kids are worth the headache.
       Next year is sure to be tough since we are getting rid of all your beloved seniors and sticking you with a whole new pack of rookies, but we can get through this together. Hang in there, buddy. See you in August!

               Sincerely,
                  Ireland





Dear sanity,
           Where the heck did you go? I know I scared you away (and scared myself in the process...), but now I miss you. Please come back.
          And don't worry, since I can tell you're far away and too tired from your panicked and desperate running-away to make the trek home, I've sent a search party to help you out. I have hot macaroni and cheese waiting for you; and guess what? It's your favorite- spirals! Hurry home!

            Sincerely,
               Ireland

I'm in a great mood right now.

well hello again.

I was in Chesapeake all weekend for drumline championships, and I'm super tired.....

I was forced to endure a four and a half hour bus ride there, lots of wind in my face at the competition, spending a miserable hour on the beach in really cold weather (and being bored to death), 2 hours walking around a mall (shopping is the enemy), being around a bunch of other teenagers (yay, fun), trying to sleep with evil "urban light" (to quote beverly) pouring into our hotel room, waking up early on the weekend, crappy "contintental breakfast" at the hotel, letting my face get defiled with face paint-y / make-up crap, standing around for awards for a an hour surrounded by hundreds of teenagers in a hot gym, getting ripped off by only getting 5th place, hating the world, another 4 1/2 hour ride home, way too much fast food that'll kill me one day, and arriving home in the pouring down rain. what a nice gesture for the precipitation gods to welcome us back.

torture.

a sad side effect of this weekend is now the drumline season is officially over, so I no longer have an excuse for not having a life.

I am going bowling Saturday with Cody/Kayden/Aglet/etc. and Nova.
my best friend and my best school friend will meet for the first time, how lovely.

I will be sure to have several cops and ambulances on hand for the event.

do you feel as though this whole post is lacking any kind of point / enthusaism? sorry.
here's some funny pictures to make you feel as though you've spent your time wisely.

I'm really paranoid about this kind of crap.

I'm sure some of you  are just a bit...uncomfortable about my post on the dead squirrel, Georgiano Lopeziano.

let me assure you that if Georgiano were here today, he would totally approve of me honoring him in this way, and also raising awareness for the fact that he may be a satanic sacrifice by now, but that's not important.

I'm sitting here, writing this today because I realized: normal people don't post pictures of gut-spewing rodents (mammal?) on their blog and/or get enjoyment out of taking those pictures. and thinking they're funny.

so I set out on a quest to use the internet to find out what's wrong with me. everything thats wrong with me.

this could take a while.

my first stop was here, where I learned that:

alt="Serious ADHD Likely!" width="200"
height="90" border="0">

I love how happy this stupid site is that I'm probably extremely ADHD, jerks.


I've always wondered if I was a little bit dyslexic, so I took a test for that, too. this is what it told me:

This person is talented in these areas: Art Music

The biggest problem areas seem to be: General Academic Listening and/or Speech

This person may have moderate difficulties in these areas: Writing and/or Motor Skills Memory and/or Cognition Behavior, Health, Development and/or Personality

This person may have mild problems in these areas: Vision, Reading, and/or Spelling Math and/or Time Management

The following chart shows the key areas of learning that can be addressed by the Davis Dyslexia Correction® Program. If two or more areas are in the Moderate to Severe range, chances are it is dyslexia, and can be corrected. Explanations of these key areas appear below the bar chart.

	Slight ----- Moderate ----- Severe
Disorientation
Reading and Spelling
Attention Focus
Math and Time Management
Coordination/Handwriting
Self-Esteem

Disorientation
Disorientation means a shift of perception triggered by confusion or stress. The person gets an inaccurate picture of the environment, or is looking at mental images instead. Davis Orientation Counseling trains the student to control involuntary disorientation at will.
Reading and Spelling
These problems are the most common symptoms of dyslexia, usually triggered by some of the 217 abstract words for which dyslexics can't form mental pictures. This is remedied using Davis Symbol Mastery.
Attention Focus
Shifts of attention caused by disorientation can reverse or alter the senses of motion, balance and time. This person may be "hyper," easily distracted, impulsive or a daydreamer.
Math and Time Management
Disorientation can cause a person's accurate sense of time, sequence and order to develop slower than normal. This means there is no foundation for accurate counting, math concepts, and even social skills.
Coordination/Handwriting
Disorientation affects the senses of balance and motion. The person may feel a sensation of movement when sitting still. Fine and gross motor skills could be underdeveloped, or there may be problems with direction, such as right/left confusion.
Self-Esteem
Dyslexics learn best through real world experience. Often, they are mislabeled as slow, lazy or stupid in school. This leads to feelings of inferiority. Once they learn to utilize their special talents to succeed in schoolwork, we usually see a dramatic shift in self-esteem.

this one turned out to be very dpressing and annoyingly accurate....


anyways...

psychological disorder? most likely. lets find out. ( the next few are from this website)

Results of your
Anxiety Screening Quiz

You scored a total of   30
S C O R E S

If you scored...	Then...
38 & up 23 - 37 6 - 22 0 - 5	Severe anxiety Moderate anxiety Mild to little anxiety No anxiety

moderate? huh. I guess.... 

Results of your Mania Quiz

You scored a total of  52
S C O R E S

If you scored...	You may have...
54 & up 36 - 53 22 - 35 18 - 21 10 - 17 0 - 9	Severe mania Moderate/severe mania Mild to moderate mania Borderline mania Possible mild mania (hypomania) No mania likely

well, thats half of being bipolar, and it runs in the family so I'm not surprised..... 

Results of your
Bipolar Quiz

You scored a total of 46 
S C O R E S

If you scored...	You may have...
51 & up	Bipolar disorder - Serious symptoms
36 - 50	Bipolar disorder - Moderate to severe symptoms
25 - 35	Bipolar disorder likely
16 - 24	Either a mild bipolar disorder (II) or depressive disorder
10 - 15	Possible depressive disorder
0 - 9	No disorder likely

well then, no doubt now....

Results of your
Schizophrenia Screening Quiz

Please note, this quiz has limited validity.
Please interpret the below results cautiously.

You scored a total of  25

Based upon your responses to this schizophrenia screening measure, you appear to have some early signs commonly associated with schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. Your responses are similar to others who experience early symptoms of schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. Because no online test is 100% accurate, please be aware that this does not necessarily mean you do have schizophrenia, only that this particular quiz found sufficient evidence to suggest that you may.

um....? they seem to be trying very hard to make sure I don't take this seriously. but I do. I mean, schizophrenia isn't...like...good.......I don't know.

should this stuff be worrying me?

nah.

I'm totally normal/fine.

possibly.....?

this is so normal, its practically illegal

I got off the bus yesterday, and as I was walking down the street, jammin' to some tunes on my ipod (that sounds really stupid), I heard this random thumping noise behind me.


I turn around just in time to get tackled by Kayden/Cody/Aglet.


ouch.


anyway, so I went down to my house to drop off my bag and grab some snackage, then we headed back up to his house.

on the street in front of his house we found a dead squirrel.
and it was really dead. and fresh (as in just died really recently).

because I'm weird and morbid (and possibly have a fascination with dead animals....?)
I took some pictures for you.
(disclaimer: these are kinda graphic. If you have a weak stomach, don't scroll down)

yeah. it looks like he's eating his own guts. yum.
and you can't really tell from these; but its eye is practically not even in its head, its sticking out so far.

then me and Cody noticed that every 5 feet or so, there was another blood smear,
which led to the realization that my bus had hit this poor squirrel, and the tire had carried some blood with it all the way up the street......gross.

cody: let's name him.

me: hmmm........Georgiano.

cody: georgiano lopez

me: no, just georgiano

cody: how 'bout georgiano lopeziano?

me: that sounds ridiculous. he shouldn't have a last name.

cody: why not?

me: because he's dead.

cody: so? dead people have last names

me: yeah, but we get named while we're alive.

cody: georgiano lopeziano....has a nice ring to it.

me: you're ridiculous.

we left for a while because my little siblings' bus came by, and we wanted to hide behind the bushes and see if it hit georgiano.
it didn't.

but then the lady across the street, Mrs. Butz (i think she spells it like that, probably Mrs. Butts, it would be funnier) came out to walk her dog, and we left and hid in his backyard for a while because she's scary.

as we were sneaking away, we saw her look at the squirrel and go "ew!!!" in her old lady voice and walk on the complete opposite side of the street so her dog wouldn't get near it.

then we went inside and had the drink of champions.

we gave the kool-aid a cool little photoshot back ground. isn't it lovely?

anyway. once we were done, we came back outside

and georgiano was gone.

it was now a crime scene.

I'm pretty sure the Butz/Butts lady took it to do some kind of satanic ritual or something.

the story of a life of deprivation

I have a confession.

its shocking.

I haven't seen most of the classic Disney movies. ever.

sad right?




my mom wouldn't let me see Lion King because Simba (or whatever that guy's name is) talks to his dead dad, and she's all "you can't talk to dead people. EVIL!!!!!"

I think my mom is against imagination.

anyway,
when I walked into class this morning and sat my stuff down, Nova called me over and said "we're discussing Disney movies"

me: I haven't seen like, any of them.

nova: I know, but come here anyway!

*walks over"

kenzie: you haven't seen the Disney movies? like not even the princess ones?

me: no....

keenan: Snow White?

me: no

keenan: Sleeping Beauty?

me: nope

keenan: Cinderella?

me: no

keenan: Beauty and the Beast? Aladdin?

me: no and no. I have seen Mulan, though. and I think I saw some of Tarzan....

keenan: what about The Little Mermaid? Pocahantis? (I don't even know how to spell that one)

me: no. I haven't.

keenan: not even Lion King?!

me: um....I think I've seen one of them....? not sure which though.

keenan: there's only 2. and that one with timon and pumba.

me: yeah! the 1/2 one. thats the one I saw.

keenan: *wide eyed stare*

me: *overhears Nova and Kenize talking about something to do with Bambi* oh. haven't seen that one either.

*everyone gasps and freaks out completely*

kenzie: you haven't seen Bambi?!

me: no.....I just said that.....

bethany (I think...there were too many people talking at once to keep up w/ who said what): I like that one that had the fox.....

me: the fox and the hound. I used to love that one.

kenzie: good. at least you've seen that one.

nova: they made a second one, fox and the hound 2. worst. movie. ever.

maran: what was that older one....? with talking.....oh yeah! the little toaster guy!

bethany: I don't think was even a Disney movie

phoebe: I think it was the first one Disney and Pixar made together....

the conversation kind of drifted after a while, but you get the idea.

the worst part is, I want to work at Disney/Pixar one day, making movies that everyone loves, even years later (except people like me, I have no clue if I like them)

they probably won't even hire me because of my lack of knowledge about their classics.

Nova is planning an intervention. we're gonna watch all of them one day of spring break, and knowing her, it will be straight through with no breaks for popcorn or drink refills. or bathroom breaks o.o

I also haven't seen Lady and the Tramp, Pinocchio, The Sword in the Stone, Alice in Wonderland, 101 Dalmations, Peter Pan (though I have seen the live-action version of it), Jungle Book, or the Hunchback of Notre Dame; just to name a few....

weekends are a time for magic *insert sparkly stuff here*

last Friday night, me and my bestest friend Kayden/Cody (his Indian name is "He-who-has-many-names") went on a walk.


you know how sometimes you'll be driving around, coming home from a night-on-the-town at Wal*Mart (or wherever you and your hardcore gangsta buddies hang out), and you see some sketchy people walking along the road, wearing dark clothes and generally being very creepy?


yeah. that would be us.


anyways, we usually walk all the way to the end of our neighborhood, along the main road, and back down the other side of our street (about a mile and a half walk, give or take). and being out on a road where cars come flying around the dark corner out of nowhere can be scary, until we realize that people driving by are probably scared of us and our creeper ways, then its just funny.


so Friday we get back to his house and the basement door (our usual entrance) is locked. 

dang it. now we have to walk the 10 extra feet to the front door. 


we ring the doorbell to alert peoples inside of our existence, and wait.


nothing.


so He-who-has-many-names repeatedly rings the doorbell for about a minute straight, and we use our ninja skills to dart behind stuff (like good old fashioned ding-dong-ditch)


still nothing.


annoyed and sad that no one came out and yelled "you darn kids! say off my property!!!!" (in an old man voice, obviously) we trudged back up to the door. it was unlocked. of course.
his mom was upstairs when we came in.


mom: did you lock yourselves out?


hwhmn: no, we just forgot to unlock the door behind us....
....why are you wearing a dress? (it was around midnight by this point)


me: (whisper-y like) cody....girls don't need a reason to wear a dress. well, except me, of course. then it better be a darn good reason.....


mom: (to hwhmn) I was trying some dresses on...why are you wearing pajama pants? (I almost said: "it is night-time, ya know...")


hwhmn: because you threw them at me and told me to take my pants off!!


*we proceed to leave the room*


me: cody?


hwhmn: yes?


me: this is going on my blog.


hwhmn: awesome.


now, you may be thinking, "what kind of mother tells their son to take his pants off?!" to which I would reply "he-who-has-many-names's kind of mother".


of course, she wasn't actually being perverted. before we had left, his mom had come down and told him to change so she could wash his pants. she wasn't being gross or anything. purposely.


but it was still funny.

_____________________________
 I had another drumline competition saturday. it was very entertaining, as always. on the way back I was super tired and very much without a Monster (or a way to obtain one anytime soon), so I decided to take a nap.


now as you most likely know, sleeping is nearly inpossible on a bus, much less one with about 25 teenagers and a few adults who get cranky and yell whenever we get too loud.


but besides that, buses are supremely uncomfortable places, and deserve to be smacked for foiling my nap plans.


here's what trying to sleep on a bus looks like:

 (just ignore the random streak of light in these pictures. I could color the windows to make it look like night time, but I didn't have "ugly bus seat" and "old bus wall" colors to fix the light rays)option 5 definitely the best, but hard to do when everyone's "personal belongings" (aka "crap") are all over the floor. I finally decided to just sit forward and lean my head against the seat in front of me. still had a headache later.

I really hate this person. but I'll let her write here anyways :D (Subtitle from Nova: Important News from the AGBA)

today, my friend Nova will be doing a guest post here....
have fun with that...

________________________
Sex.
Booze.
Drugs.
Other inapproapriate things I probably shouldn't talk about on Ireland's blog.

But honestly, ladies and gentlemen, I'm here today to talk about a very serious epidemic. Please don't be alaramed and panic because panic is always the worst thing to do in these types of situations. Don't you remember fire drills in school? Walk calmly and in a straight line to the designated exit while the building burns and flames jump at your bare flesh. That's exactly what you should do now. Except proceed calmly and in a straight line to the nearest grocery store because as hard as we of the AGBA tried to prevent it, the Gummy Bears have finally decided to revolt.

As the president of the Anti-Gummy Bear Association, I've maintained a rigourious watch over their recent plannings and have attempted to send a mole in to infiltrate their defenses but they found quickly found us out. For hours, they torture Agent 008 relentlessly and performed acts upon him that I can't even mention here in such an open forum. But trust me, you would not wish those actions upon your worst enemy. However, it is encouraged that you wish them upon the Gummy Bears. It is HIGHLY encouraged.

During his last communication with us, Agent 008 informed us of the plot to attack Washington DC on April 23th. Why this place? We can only assume it's the target due to the fact it's the capital or because a large amount bloggers live there. Why this date? What we know at this time of that time is not timely to be released. But the threat is iminent. This is red alert, people! We've waited long enough and the time is now. They've already begun to organize their ranks.

The AGBA begging you to please go to the nearest grocery store and buy at least forty pounds of Gummy Bears. Do with them what you will. Burn them. Decapitate them. Put them into a bowl full of Gummy Bears and listen to their screams as the Gummy Orgy takes place. But whatever you do, please, please don't release them into the wild. They are too dangerous at this time. For the safety of your family, your friends, your very life, we must destroy these foul beasts!

 __________________________________

(I did a guest post on Nova's blog today, if you want to go check it out.)

my reactions are backwards from most people's...

to be continued....

I love days when you're actually allowed to hurt people.....even if its just pinching.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, stalkers!

this is one of my favorite holidays (besides my birthday, and now I don't like Christmas anymore because of Satan breaking in and stealing our souls while we sleep) because everyone wears my favorite color around, so its sorta like its my day. plus, I mean, my name's Ireland, so.....

WAIT.

you're not wearing green?!

*pinchy pinch pinch pinch*

you: ow!

me: haha....fail! maybe you should've worn green, you jerk-who-doesn't-like-Ireland (me or the country, whichever works, because by not wearing green, you've personally offended me)!

you: I am wearing green!

me: no you're not! I don't see any on you!

you: I'm wearing green underwear.

me: LIAR!! that's just what people say when they forget to wear green and don't want to get pinched!

*pinch pinch*

ha. foiled your brilliant plan, didn't I?
________________

before I get on with the "special st. patrick's day edition" of my new weekly shirt design thingy (I really need a name for that), I will share with you the story of the epically ridiculous adventure I had yesterday. this could be a supremely long post, by the way.

story time! *story time jingle plays*

drumline practice usually starts around 4pm, so right after school (3:05) I went down to the band room to see if we were actually having practice at the high school (usually we practice at the middle school in their cafeteria because we need the space), but no one was around, so I hurried to catch my bus so I could ride over to the middle school (about 5 minutes away, by bus)


when I got to midget-land (no offense "little people" I promise....), I settled in the hallway outside the cafeteria with a copy of The City of Ember (I've been wanting to read it ever since I saw the movie) to wait out the next half an hour before practice.


around 3:45, I started getting worried. usually people would start arriving by now, and I was still alone...


I reached in Juneau (okay that sounds wrong....)...my backpack....for my phone so I could call my brother.


I flipped it open and turned it on, just to see "low battery, shutting down"


crap.


I had just charged it on sunday night, and hadn't turned it on since then. stupid piece of-


anyway, by this point it was 3:48 and I knew I was going to be late so  I grabbed my stuff and set off for the high school.


carrying about 25 pounds on my back, I dashed down the long school driveway, crossed a highway, walked along thee road for about 60 yards, wandered through the food lion parking lot (and got lots of weird stares), jogged over a mid-size grass lot, across another road, and into the high school parking lot.


It was now 4 o'clock, and my legs were burning (I don't exercise much, okay?).


I slowly ran (don't want to get yelled at by a teacher) across the whole school back to the band room, to find it locked up with the lights off.


what the heck?!


I even checked outside and saw the band truck still sitting there, with all of our stuff in it, so I knew they couldn't have snuck off with out me....


I figured practice was cancelled and no one told me, so I trudged up to the office to call my mom.


at around 4:17 my brother finally pulled up, and as I hopped in he said (quite angrily) "why didn't you ride the bus to the middle school?!"


me: I did.


him: why are you over here, then?


me: no one was there so I came back.


him: you walked here?


me: well, yeah.


him: *shakes head*


me: what?


him: practice is at 5, at the middle school. its from 5-8. you should've just stayed there!


me: well I didn't know! I though I was going to be late and practice was here....but then I thought practice was cancelled,and I was really tired from running....and....and.....ugh. crap. well, no one told me. I even checked my email this morning to make sure....


him: they told us last thursday, and at practice on sunday!


me: well I can't remember important stuff like that!


him: you should write it down!


me: I don't want to, that's stupid!


him: maybe that's why you don't remember this stuff! you're probably one of those people who can't remember stuff unless you write it down!


me: shut up! whatever! it doesn't matter!


him: hmmm......I'm gonna go to taco bell. I want a burrito.


we finally got to the middle school again around 4:30, and people started arriving like 10 minutes later.

end of story-time! *ending jingle*

thankfully no one knew about my frantic running-all-over-the-place
except me and my brother.

and now all of you.....

oh.
_____________________

shirt time!

ha. get it? this shirt is for those st. patrick's days when you just don't care/ you're feeling too lazy to wear green, and you still won't get pinched because of a technicality.

and no one can even take offense at this; because hey, I'm Irish, and it doesn't offend me!

this "guiness" isn't really up to standards, but this is the best the website had.

looks like freakin'  chocolate milk.

oh well.

_______________________

UPDATE: my 50th post (yeah, this probably isn't a big milestone to most of you guys...) is coming up soon, so I'm gonna do something awesome.

what? I have no idea. any suggestions? yeah.....I'm pathetic. 

Merry the-devil-is-going-to-steal-your-soul-while-you-sleep Day!

guess what I found out yesterday?

if you mix up the letters in "santa", you get "satan".

how did I not know this?!

this is the kind of thing that scars my childhood.

I was already uncomfortable with the idea of an overweight old man breaking into our house at night while we're sleeping and stealing our cookies, even if he did bring us crappy presents.

this just makes it worse.

I mean, who knows what kind of mischief he could have gotten into every year with no supervision like that?

unbelievable.


UPDATE: we have an eyewitness account! somehow they caught him on camera....

see how he's kinda translucent and cartoon-y? its one of his many mind tricks....making you think he's all "not real" and junk.
sketchy.